Say Anything

Diane: So we started spending all this time together, as friends. But, I could feel him getting anxious, and then I knew that there would be a confrontation over getting physical. And he started to get that look at the end of the night. Do you know that look?

Diane’s Father: [nods, knowingly]

Diane: And then you know it’s going to be an issue. So I went through all the different feelings and all the different arguments you’re supposed to go through.

Diane’s Father: Did he ever get rough with you?

Diane: Dad, no. But I didn’t want any problems, so I decided not to sleep with him.

Dad looks relieved

Diane: But then I attacked him anyway.

A week ago today, a scene almost exactly like this one played out in my kitchen. In fact, right after it happened, this exchange from Say Anything immediately popped into my head. (Because that’s what happens when you watch a movie too many times.) Anyway, here’s how it played out for me:

Charlie: So we started spending all this time together, as friends. You know, just me and the Doritos. But, I could feel them getting anxious, and then I knew that there would be a confrontation over getting physical. And the Doritos started to get that look at the end of the night. Do you know that look?

Charlie’s Imaginary Friend: [nods, knowingly]

Charlie: And then you know it’s going to be an issue. So I went through all the different feelings and all the different arguments you’re supposed to go through. “Should I eat them? Should I leave them alone? Should I just set the Doritos on fire so it’s never an issue again?”

Charlie’s Imaginary Friend: Did they ever get rough with you?

Charlie: No. But I didn’t want any problems, so I decided not to eat them.

Imaginary Friend looks relieved

Charlie: But then I gobbled them down anyway.

It’s true. It really happened just like this. I was fixing a plate for dinner and the bag was just sitting there on the counter top. I thought, “Hmmm… well, I could have just one serving. That’s not going to kill me.” So I dragged out the scale, weighed out thirty teasing grams of corn chips covered in orange dust, and put them on my plate. At that point I thought, “No. You don’t need them, Charlie, just put them back.” And I did. Dumped them right into the bag, where they belonged.

But before I knew it, after taking one bite of my Slobby Joe sandwich, my hand, seemingly under its own volition, dove right into the bag and brought a fistful of those things right up to my mouth. Crunch, crunch, crunch. I then proceeded to eat an estimated three servings of those things.

*sigh*

Anyway, that’s the bad news. The good news is so good I can hardly keep it in. Check the hell out of this week’s stat box. Like so many times before, I hit a new low the day before weigh in. Like so few times before, I didn’t blow it that night. Not only did I not blow it, but I lost one more pound to boot. The last time I weighed 202.5 was December 14, 2005: nearly three years ago.

Of course, pounds aren’t ever really lost. They have an uncanny way of being found. So I’m still proceeding with caution, especially given the fact that we’re not out of the Holiday Woods yet. Still, I’ll take what I can get! There ain’t been a holiday season like this for me ever. If you’re sitting near a block of wood, knock on it for me.

That’s about it for this week, but before I go, I got a question. If you guys know so much about Doritos, how come you’re here at like the Gas ‘n’ sip on a Saturday night completely alone, drinking beers, no Doritos anywhere?

By choice, man!