Attempt 106, Week 2

It has been said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. You may have heard that Einstein said that. Or Mark Twain. Or even Benjamin Franklin. Well, it wasn’t any of them. It was me. Because I can’t think of anyone else offhand who’s lived by those words quite like I have.

For one hundred and five times now, I’ve played out this particular cycle:

• Get fed up
• Get fired up
• Get movin’
• Get skinny
• Get complacent
• Get hungry
• Get it all back
• Get fed up

I blame the shampoo manufacturers for indoctrinating me with the lather-rinse-repeat infinite loop.

Now if we look more closely at the fourth bullet, we find a highly repeated pattern there as well. It goes something like this: diet, diet, diet, diet, diet, diet, diet, diet, diet, diet, diet, crash. During the diet phase, I always lose ten, twenty, or maybe even sixty pounds. And it works because I’m all fired up and I don’t let things like pasta drenched in olive oil get the best of me. Unfortunately, you know how it eventually ends.

There’s gotta be a better way. (There isn’t, but let’s just set that sticky point aside for now.)

The Latest Attempt

I got back from vacation all fired up. And in the first week I dropped six pounds. What’s my secret? No secret. I just didn’t eat as much. Why don’t I just do that all the time? Well, if I had the answer to that, I would bottle it, sell it, and then eventually the entire global cookie industry would fall to its knees.

But what if I didn’t do that? I mean, on purpose. What if I didn’t just not eat every single day of the diet until the inevitable crash. This is the convoluted thought that struck me one week ago. In short: what if just this once, I tried something different: one week on, one week off.

And that’s just what I did. One week on, one week off. How did it go? I’m glad you asked.

The Graph

Before getting to the first graph of Attempt 106, I need to explain the graph. In particular, the background images used.

At the top of the graph you find fire. This level covers weights between 220 and 230 and represents the burning I feel in my heart for pasta drenched in olive oil:

Next up are the storm clouds. This level covers weights between 200 and 220 and reminds me of the movie Twister because of how turbulent this part of the diet is, and also of flying cows.

As I drop into Onederland, we see the rising dawn background. This level covers weights between 195 and 200 and represents that twilight period between just being in Onederland and really being there. Because, let’s face it, when a single encounter with oil-drenched pasta can make you gain four pounds in two hours, a number like 197 doesn’t solidly feel like Onederland.

It’s not until we’re solidly in Onederland does the graph background image turn into a Corona commercial. This represents weights from 185 to 195.

Those are the main categories. However, I have two more special categories. For those truly awful times (like now) where the weight goes above 230, I have the Windows Blue Screen of Death graphic:

And on the absolutely unthinkable possibility of going below 185, I have the equally fantastic image of Robocop riding a Unicorn:

So, with the key defined, let’s look at the first graph—the first two weeks of Attempt 106.

That actually looks just like I planned it. The bump at the end was a bit higher than I wanted, but for the most part, that’s it. I had a great week of moving forward followed by a week of (more or less) regular eating. (And I do want to emphasize that part: the “week off” plan doesn’t mean “free for all.” I’m not out to create a saw-tooth graph. I’m shooting for a stair-step pattern.)

It may take twice as long, but the way I look at it, that just means double the success in the end. I’m really looking forward to the big Onederland party. Robocop has already said he’ll be bringing the pasta.