Life in Onederland

So how’d the 365 days since then go? Stay tuned. There’s lots more to write about. And I know the three of you are dying to know all about it.

So I wrote back on April 26, 2013. My apologies if this made it sound like my next post in this series was imminent. I had, of course, all the best intentions of posting more frequently and regularly. But then things got really busy at work and the ol’ blog fell by the wayside again.

That is until a few minutes ago when I asked myself, “Now where’d I put that password again?” Luckily I’d written it down on a box of Cap’n Crunch. I found it and logged back on to my site. The first thing to greet me:

Really, people? I still find it unfathomable that there are people out there who consider this a viable business model. Of course, it has to be working, or they wouldn’t keep doing it. Who cares if it takes two billion shots out of the spam cannon to grab one sucker who truly believes that a Nigerian Prince is honestly looking for complete stranger to whom he can give millions of dollars for no sensical reason at all. Those 1,999,999,999 misses didn’t cost a cent.

But I digress.

The second thing to greet me: the number of days since my last post. I was curious, so I whipped out my calculator, entered the two days, and tada!

I couldn’t’ve timed that better if I tried. So, once again, please accept my apologies for the unintended hiatus. Now, let’s get back to business.

The Cancer Diet

Last we left off, I’d lost twenty-six pounds in four days. (Yeah, yeah, I know. The body simply dumping unnaturally retained fluids doesn’t count as weight loss, but as I’m hoping to never have that experience again, I’ll milk it for all it’s worth.)

I’d tried many diets over the years, but until last year, I’d never tried The Cancer Diet. On the upside, because you don’t feel like eating anything, you lose weight. On the downside, you have cancer.

Although, to be fair, it wasn’t so much that I didn’t feel like eating. It was that nothing tasted right. At all. Staples in my life such as bread, french fries, and peanut butter tasted, respectively, like spackling paste, toilet paper tubes, and Lima beans. As far as appetite suppressants go, let me tell you nothing beats cyclophosphamide, hydroxydaunorubicin, vincristine, and prednisone. If you can afford the half million dollar price tag, temporary hair loss, and nausea, I highly recommend it.

I mean, just look at these results:

That graph represents February 13 through August 5, 2012. I had not only returned to Onederland on April 26, 2012 (for the first time since 2009), but I stayed there.

Further, if you look closely toward the right side of the chart, you’ll see that I even dipped below 190. With all this Return to Onederland crap, it’s easy to forget that that was never my final destination. I managed to come in below 190 on July 17, 2012 for the first time in, well, let’s see:

Now that’s worth putting Spider-Man on a unicorn.