Dear Internet

Dear Internet,

We’ve known each other for almost fifteen years now. We’ve been through a lot of ups and downs. I’ve learned many things from you and wasted many hours on you, but the fact of the matter is, you’ve always been there for me. Unfortunately, things have changed recently, and our long and wonderful relationship makes this particularly difficult for me to say:

Have you lost your freakin’ marbles?!

Look, I understand that the web is (oddly enough) both “free” and a “ginormous revenue-generating machine.” We’ve been living with online advertisements ever since we canceled our CompuServe accounts and realized there was a whole new world out there waiting for us. I was okay looking at ads for desktop computers and long distance phone service and even Zima. Why? Because these ads all had one thing in common: they were promoting actual products.

But, oh, Internet! You sure have gotten bad lately. I don’t know if it’s greed, or carelessness, or if you’ve just plain gone over to the dark side. But these OBEY THIS ONE RULE ads have got to stop. I know I’ve talked about them before. I really thought they were a fad that would eventually dry up and blow away. Quite the contrary: they’ve gotten WORSE.

Somebody, somewhere is spending millions and millions of dollars buying domain names, setting up fake blogs, advertising on twelve billion web sites—and all of them running variations on the exact same ad. I don’t know who has this kind of money or what the exact amount is, but it was certainly enough for you to sell your soul. Shame on you for deceiving people over a fast buck.

I don’t know who’s behind it all, but they’re certainly no charity. No one continues to spend bucketloads of money like this unless dump trucks of money are showing up on their doorstep every day. And do you want to know where the money is coming from? From poor, desperate people, who’ve “tried everything” and decide to send their last pennies to you for one last chance at success. You’re taking the money from PW:

As it is I got ripped off for over $174.00 by FMW Laboratories located in Hollywood/Ft Lauderdale Florida. After making the order for the free trial, I only received half the order, and then before my free trial date was up I noticed two separate charges for $87.13 each. I called to cancel the product because 1. I did not get all of the “free trial” product to even try it, and 2. because I can’t afford to spend that kind of money on anything short of necessary.

Do you know why PW thought this was on the up and up? Because you used Rachael’s Ray’s face on your advertisement. “I like Rachael. I know she wouldn’t endorse something that wouldn’t work.” Well guess what: she wouldn’t. Here’s what Rachael Ray’s website says:

Many of you have brought to our attention concerns regarding solicitations involving Açai Berry and Wu Long Tea products that bear Rachael Ray’s name or photo. Please note that Rachael Ray has not endorsed any Açai Berry or Wu Long Tea products, and she is not involved with the solicitation of any such products. The use of her name or photo in connection with these solicitations is unauthorized. We want to apologize if you have experienced any confusion or inconvenience pertaining to this matter.

Do you know what would stop this kind of deception dead in its tracks? Gee, I don’t know … um .. maybe refusing to accept advertising money from criminals? Listen, Internet. It’s time you took a closer look at what’s going on. I understand the need for income. I realize that money makes the world go around. But when you let this crap through, in my eyes, you’re no better than the scam artists themselves.

So you’d better shape up soon, Internet, or this bad apple is going to spoil the entire bunch.

Charlie

p.s. To the folks who actually fall for the snake oil salesmen? I’m going to have to have a word with you later. Till then, remember what your mother told you about things that sound too good to be true.