Any Diet News?

With everything else going on late, I nearly forgot to let you in on the most important topic of all: I’m on a diet. I realize that’s not saying much. I mean, I’m never not on a diet. In fact, as I look back over these many years, the only times where I’ve not been actively “dieting” is . . . hmmm . . . well . . . uh . . . Okay, so I can’t think of any.

So you would think that after all this time, I would have finally figured out the secret to dieting. After all, had I spent as much time practicing the piano, I would be a touring concert pianist today. If I had spent the same amount of time painting, then I would be inviting you all to my art gallery gala this weekend. If I had spent all that time writing, I’d be J.K. Rowling. (I don’t mean “as famous as”. I mean I’d actually be her.)

Well, I’m here to tell you: I actually have figured out the secret to dieting. Sadly, though, it truly is a “secret” and therefore I’m not permitted to divulge it. (An important point! Always keep this in mind: if anyone else tells you the “secret” to anything, they’re lying. After all, how much of a secret can it be if they’re blabbing about it about every chance they get?)

The complete non-secret to dieting is that in order to lose weight you have to burn more calories than you take in. That’s it. You don’t need to know anything else. Ever. No more diets, no more exercise plans, no more infomercials, no more pills. No more 1 weird tips, no more exotic, magical fruits. No more trusting that Oprah, Rachael, and Dr. Oz have some silver bullet up their sleeves that was “as seen on” ABC, CNN, and MTV. None of these things will magically bestow the ability for you to burn more calories than you take in. That’s all on you.

2014 was probably my best ever year of dieting. Not in terms of overall weight loss (though that was a big component of it) but just in consistency and all-around awesomeness. That is, until . . .

The Holidays

Gets me EVERY DAMN TIME. I let myself go thinking, “Hey, I had a great year. I possess all the tools I’ll ever need to get Right Back on Track. No problem.” And, of course, I gain fifteen pounds in about six weeks or so.

The new year came along and I said to myself, “Self, it’s time to get Right Back on Track.” So I started a “diet” and then waited. Nothing happened. So I waited some more. Nope. Nothing. So I said to myself, “Self, what the heck’s going on here!? Last year this was easy peasy. Pull yourself together, self!” So I started another diet and waited. Same thing.

Eventually I managed to lose weight, only to gain it back. Until I lost it again, only to gain it back. Same old sad story. And now somehow an entire year has flown by and so I thought it was time to share my Final Weight Loss Graph of 2015:

Tune in next week when I’ll tell you all about the wonderful appetite suppressant I discovered that nearly saved the day. Nearly.