Eating Out Tips #3

Looking for the next stop in the Austin Burger Tour? Don’t worry, we’ll be back with that later. (To be honest, I never intended to do them all in a row. The first four just sort of worked out that way.) However, all this recent burger-eating made me think: it’s time for another segment in the “Eating Out Tips” series.

If you missed the first two, click here:

• First One
• Second One

So now, without further ado, here are five more tips to help you, the struggling dieter, cope with the trauma of eating out. Each one is dedicated to one of the five food groups:

1. If you go to an Italian restaurant, and you’re worried about ordering a ginormous plate of pasta smothered in a buttery sauce, simply do what I do. Go ahead and order it, but ask for five carry-out boxes. Divide the meal evenly among each box. Don’t eat any of it now. Instead, take the boxes home, freeze them, then throw them out in 2012.
2. If you go to a Mexican restaurant and your table is stocked with forty-seven bowls of complimentary tortilla chips, try to imagine the chips are something you’d never eat. This targeted visualization technique will help you avoid high-calorie, pre-dinner indulgences, though potentially confusing your companions when you say, “No thanks, I’m not in the mood for earthworms.”
3. If you go to a Chinese restaurant and your table is stocked with one of those large lazy susans, make sure it never stops in front of you. You’ll need an accomplice a friend sitting on the other side of the table. If the food ever gets near you, it will be his or her responsibility to quickly rotate it out of your reach.
4. If you go to a Cheeseburger restaurant (I won’t mention any names, but it’s first initial is Red Robin) and they offer all you can eat french fries, take heart: all is not lost. As each basket of fries arrives at the table, immediately toss them over your shoulder into the booth behind you. You avoid the calories and the guy in the next booth doesn’t mind because—hey, free fries.
5. If you go to a Breakfast restaurant and you find that there’s simply no avoiding the Grand Slam, you can easily divert half the calories of the bacon, eggs, spam, spam, and spam platter by reaching into your coat pocket and pulling out your cleverly concealed dog. A bite for you, a bite for Rex. Another bite for you, another bite for Rex. Problem solved and you won’t need a doggy bag.