Tales from the Treadmill, Part 2

I should go on record stating I’ve never liked treadmills. I mean, come on. The word itself is a synonym for dull, boring, and never-endingly repetitive. And think about it. How many times in your life have you ever heard anyone utter phrases like these:

“Rough week, gang! How about after work on Friday we all go out for a walk on a treadmill?”
“Congratulations! You’ve just won a two-week, all expenses paid vacation on a treadmill!”
“I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may walk on a treadmill.”

This simply isn’t an object anyone associates with a pleasant time. Hard to believe, isn’t it?

My first trip to the gym was a bit unfocused. I experimented with at least a half dozen machines as I wandered the floor aimlessly, feeling altogether out of place. So for my second trip, I set two goals for myself:

1. To find the machine best-suited to my personal exercising tastes and capabilities.
2. To avoid repeating the underwear incident.

The second goal was easily achieved by changing into my workout clothes before leaving home. The first goal was achieved by choosing the least-hated machine from the previous trip. Surprisingly, it was the treadmill.

I know.

I mounted the machine and gazed in awe at the array of buttons before me. I figured a treadmill only needed two: “START” and “OMG STOP, STOP, STOP.” Clearly my first real trip to a real gym this century was bound to present a surprise or two.

Anyway, now that I’d made up my mind, I decided a solid thirty minute workout was in order. The first ten minutes of the workout went like this: ENTER PROGRAM: “Cardio”. ENTER TARGET HEART RATE: “140”. ENTER WEIGHT: “220”. ENTER SPEED: “2.0 MPH”. ENTER BLOOD GLUCOSE LEVEL: “94 mg/dL”. ENTER HIGH SCHOOL GPA: “3.1” ENTER MOTHER’S MAIDEN NAME…, etc.

After uploading my credit report into the machine, the belt finally began moving. “Hey, this isn’t half bad,” I thought to myself. The machine displayed a continuous stream of helpful data: elapsed time, distance covered, calories burned. … Although, frankly, I’m not sure “calories burned” really gets the point across. I believe reporting “percentage of this morning’s donut burned” would be a better motivator. I know that would keep my butt on this thing longer than “47 calories” would.

I was shocked how quickly the thirty minutes went by. Going into this, I was fully prepared for the half hour to last two days. But I had my iPod with me, and I’m sure that listening to Miley Cyrus er, I mean, Mozart, helped pass the time. The best part? By the time the cool down period was over, I’d walked 1.5 miles and burned exactly one donut.

Now that’s progress, baby.